How failing saved me

It’s a funny thing, this health and fitness stuff. One day you’ve got absolutely everything together and the next you’re in a heap over a scale that keeps telling you how you should see yourself. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…

I should be 9-days away from my very first fitness show. I was supposed to be on track for Rossi and getting ready to prance around on stage in a micro bikini. I wanted to show everyone that I had done it. But I refused to let go of the distorted vision I have of myself and I couldn’t see the progress I was making.

THOUGHTS (1)

I was pushing myself to limits that I was not capable of. I was running on fat burners and BCAA’s and multi vitamins to help supplement the nutrients that I wasn’t giving my body. I was obsessing about training and cardio and macros and tanning and proving that I could do all of this. Be a mom, hold a full-time job while studying and trying to be a doting wife, while preparing for competition. My skin was cracking open it was so dry, I was weak and tired and I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

TEARS

My body just stopped working. It gave up on me and over the past 3 months, I have been riding a constant wave of a run down immune system and cortisol hiccups. Instead of letting myself heal and dealing with the set backs like an adult, I belittled myself, tore myself down and broke my own self-esteem. I was angry that my body wasn’t healthy enough to train, that my mind wasn’t strong enough to push through the stress and self-loathing.

I am not stage ready, instead I am 5kgs heavier and clawing my way out of the worst depression that I have been hit with in years. And that isn’t even added for dramatic effect either.

I’m a 30-year-old mom, what the f*ck was I thinking? Trying to stand on a stage with 20-somethings in the prime of their skin elasticity! 

What did I learn about failing?

That it happens. But it is up to you to decide if you’re going to stay in that heap, or if you’re going to pick yourself up again. I don’t want to put myself back into a space where I was actually unhealthy in my pursuit of being my skewed version of what healthy looks like.

i'm not done yet

I’ve learned that you can gain weight from eating hake and broccoli a billion times a day and that no amount of faking it is going to get you through the dark times. They are dark for a reason. You are sad for a reason. You are getting sick for a reason, so listen to your damned body!

It is important to remember that a healthy journey shouldn’t negatively affect your health.  If you are reaching your goals at the expense of your mental health or physical well-being, then you need to re-evaluate how you are achieving your goals. My focus is more on the journey rather than the destination, because when I focused wholly on the destination it tarnished my path.

Churchill

Where to from here? 

Back to the drawing board. I’m starting over, which I am becoming really good at doing. I’d still like you to hang around while I fumble through this fitness stuff and I’ll let you know what I’ve learned. And I am still aiming to take the stage, but now it’s more about having fun with it again.

And no more broccoli!

I’m on Twitter and Facebook too, so you can follow me there too if you like.

P.s. I welcome conversation, so start one in the comments below.

Xoxo

cashe

 

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5 thoughts on “How failing saved me

  1. It’s so odd how we get so caught up in achieving that goal of being the best we can be, that we don’t realise how much damage we are doing to ourselves in the process. I’ve always found you to be real, honest and true, and I wish i had picked up that you were struggling sooner rather than later. But through all your own disappointments, you’ve done your best to keep motivating the rest of us, and I can’t thank you enough for that. This is just another way you’re showing your “realness” – it’s not how you look, it’s how (and what) you’re prepared to share with us. It’s not easy, the journey or the openness. So thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow Sue-Ann, thank YOU.
      I started to doubt whether I was cut out for motivating anyone while I felt like I wasn’t worth anything, but you guys made me push through.
      Being “public” with this journey isn’t as easy as I thought it would be, but I am so unbelievably grateful for the platform now. It makes me accountable for everything I do to myself and for myself.
      So, thank you for sticking through this with me!
      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: It’s not you, it’s the disease | Diary of a Fit Kidd

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